


when there's nothing left to burn (you have to set yourself on fire)

by constanted



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Consensual Possession, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Platonic Possession, References to Depression, Refuge, Repression, Self Care, The General Awkwardness Surrounding Being Possessed By A Friendly Ghost Gal, Trans Characters, Wonderland, somehow fluffier than those tags imply, taking care of your friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 14:39:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16431350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: So You've Been Possessed By Your Best Friend's Umbrella, Who Is Also A Lich, And Who's Actually Pretty Cool, All Things Considered.(or: magnus breaks an umbrella. lup gets physical. thing spiral, from there.)





	when there's nothing left to burn (you have to set yourself on fire)

**Author's Note:**

> okay, i'll have footnotes proper at the end, but here we go.
> 
> 1\. i am nonbinary, and therefore do not have the same experience as a binary trans man or woman, which magnus and lup respectively are. if i fucked up, please tell me, because this situation would obviously not be comfortable re: gender stuff at all. we're rolling with that magnus and lup are both extremely body-posi body-confi in canon, but, yeah, it can get weird!  
> 2\. there was a bit in TEH where travis or justin asked griffin what would happen if only one or two of THB died mid-hour, and where griffin said, "you'll have to find out." well.  
> 3\. there is a lot of talk/reference made to magnus, taako, and lucretia specifically's issues w/ mental shit, particularly magnus' death wish. a minor subplot relates to his romance issues.  
> 4\. while the possession in this fic is wholly consensual, magnus is very bad at communication, and lup is very bad at Not Being Stubborn.
> 
> anyway. behold this long thing.

His nose and his right leg are definitely broken, and everything hurts, and he’s got burns and shit all over him, but--but he’s alive. And the other two aren’t. They’re not breathing, not twitching, and his heart makes him start crying before his mind can bother to remind him that it’s impermanent; it’s always impermanent. He doesn’t know why he’s already jumped to always, they’re only a few cycles into this time loop stitch, but. Everything is going to be fine.

But he sobs, again, and he remembers ash in the air that morning, rushed home with nobody waiting for him, and he smells that same ash now. And he sobs.

It’s not permanent. Everything is going to be fine.

He throws shit at the walls, not Steven, but pretty much everything else. He’s done that, before--if he can’t carve, he does this, has done this since childhood. And it’s childish, he knows, but it gets his anger out perfectly well.

He takes a healing potion to at least numb himself a little bit, but, moving is still difficult. He manages to drag himself over to his friends’--his _family’s_ , who the fuck is he kidding--sides, and places his scarf over their eyes.

Then, he starts throwing shit again. Ernest the nitpicker yells, but shuts up after it becomes clear that this is just what the fuck Magnus is gonna do to him, and he retreats back into Merle’s bag.

Taako’s shit is next--and Taako has a _lot_ of shit in his bag. For a dude who’s not super strong, he can carry some fuckin’ baggage.

“This is coping,” Magnus says to himself, trying to make his voice sound like the voice of the HR Mandated Therapy Session’s therapist from last month,  “This is what coping is.”

(Carey admits that she told the Director about Magnus’ wont for risking his life, and the Director admits that she was worried. The therapy session had gone poorly, maybe because he didn’t want to seem weak, and maybe because “My wife’s dead because I showed mercy to a man who didn’t deserve even the barebones of respect, and I was already, like, pretty cavalier about life anyway, so. Also, I'm an amnesiac? Which adds flavor, more than anything,” isn’t as deep of an analysis as his therapist might have liked. He was asked to follow up. He never did.)

Coping is breaking things, he knows, breaking them ‘til they’re small enough not to see. Things are strongest when they’re together, and if he can make them weak, he can convince himself of his necessity.

(Or, he bullshitted that).

A tiny crossbow? Broken in half and thrown, wire looping around a particularly pointy rock. A spare wand? Broken, and subsequently devoured by the umbrella. A Caleb Cleveland novel? Set aside gently, because that’s very cute of Taako. Magnus can’t really get into the series, but he likes Angus’ reenactments of dramatic scenes, tries to yes-and his way through them to throw him off of his rhythm.

And then, the umbrella. Magnus considers his options, here. If it explodes, which it very might, he will die, and it’ll be the next cycle, which, cool. If it doesn’t explode, he’ll have taken his anger out in a way that is, while not healthy, allowing him to feel something. There are no possible losses, here. Well, he’ll take some damage, but, hey, he _just_ took a healing potion. So. Nothing matters.

He snaps the Umbra Staff in half with ease. There’s a light, and a warmth, but no damage done. And then, a little red light, floating right in front of him.

“Magnus! What’s up, bud?”

It looks… happy? It’s tiny, like some kind of pixie or trickster fey spirit, and it’s glowing a vibrant red. Or orange? It looks like a deeper-colored fireball. Which. Cool. Fine. Whatever.

“Magnus Fucking Burnsides.”

He scoots back, a little bit.

“Oh my God, buddy, don’t freak out, I’m--I’m a ghost who lives inside the staff, I’ve been a fan of you and your crew for a good while now, babe.”

“Do you have a name?”

“It’s Lup. I’m an elf-lich-ghost-whatever-badass who died, uh, _way_ too long ago, and I’d very much like to be alive a little bit until this cycle ends? Uh. I can’t maintain this form for much longer, and your brain won’t be able to process my real form--would you prefer that I possess you, or possess Taako?”

The light bounces a little, flickers between right in front of him and back towards Taako’s corpse.

He squints at her. “So… uh, I don’t know too much about ghosts, but this is kinda. Immediately sketch. You jump straight into possession?”

“Look, again, I don’t want to blow up your brain. Again, I’m a lich, and, not to brag, but I’m a pretty rad looking one? But rad in the “no mortal being can comprehend “ kinda way, not the Chill Skater Chick Who Does Kickflips And Ollies All Day kinda rad. I mean, look, if I were in my old body? Fuck yeah. But, anyway. Which of you should I possess?”

And for some reason, he believes her. Call it a hunch, call it a nat twenty insight check, but this little light seems trustworthy. He’s gonna chase this newfound trust, and he’s gonna give it a chance.

“Merle off the table?”

“ _Ab-solutely_. He’s sweet, but I don’t want to know more about his body than I already do. I know way too much. Magnus. Magnus? I know _way-ay-ay_ too much about Merle fucking Highchurch’s body. You or Taako?”

“Uh. Me. I don’t wanna--y’know, I think the zombie vibes there would be a little bit rough, and there isn’t even rigor mortis going on with them, yet, so I feel like it’ll be _real_ creepy, because dead people joints?”

“Agreed, they’re freaky as hell. So. Wait, oh my God, what the hell is going on with your face?”

“It’s bleeding, and the nose is broken?”

“No, no, that’s--that’s normal. You just--you’re older than I expected, I guess? I can’t see, only hear, and, uh--I just pictured you as, like, twenty, twenty-one, you know?”

“I’m thirty two.”

“Jeezy _creezy_ , I knew it was eleve--your hair looks nice.”

“Thank you. My, uh. My wife liked it when I kept it long, so--”

“Okay, wait--I’m gonna sneak into your body _real quick_ , and then I’m gonna interrogate you about _that,_ because my mental Magnus Burnsides is not a fucking _married man_.”

And he feels a warm, bright sensation in his chest. And he feels comforted, almost, in a way he can’t place, that feels so close to home.

“Okay,” says his mouth, in a voice that isn’t quite his--a little lighter, more sing-songy, “So. We have, what, thirty minutes? Gimme the D.L. The scoop. The three of you: What’s up with you? I know you work for Lucretia--we were tight, when I was alive, it’s cool, it’s fine, I’m very worried about her--and that you live together, but. What is _up_. What’re your _stories?_ Also, your darkvision is _garbage_.”

“Because I’m human.”

“I know that! And your eyes are just plain weird. I knew you needed glasses, but--boy howdy. When this is over, get your ass to a Fantasy Warby Parker. Or Fantasy Lenscrafters. _Fuck._ ”

“I don’t need glasses!”

“You don’t see _shit_ , Maggie. Babe. I will literally be in that umbrella, pulling you, vaudeville cane style, to a fucking vision test.”

“You know Lucretia?”

“Knew. She sounds way different, and I didn’t even know it was actually her until y’all overheard her name. Also, she described herself as being forty-nine, once, and, uh, let’s just say that I knew her as eighteen eleven years ago, so. That’s kinda weird.”

“Okay, yeah. Maybe it’s just someone with the same name?”

“No, it’s her. Same speech pattern. She’s, like, eight feet tall? Dark skin, white hair? Human? Likes to be mysterious, gives off the vibes of a Serious Tragic Backstory?”

“Okay, yeah, same person.”

“What’s your _story,_ Magnus.”

“Uh. I’m from Raven’s Roost? It’s a town in the mountains, known for its craftwork. I worked in its most prestigious shop, the Hammer and Tongs, with my wife and her father. We overthrew its despot leader, Kalen. And then, some. Uh. Stuff happened. That I would prefer not to talk about. Merle left his beach clan--he won’t tell us how or why or when, but Taako thinks he has kids and I think he has a spouse that he left behind. And Taako was a celebrity chef who accidentally food-poisoned a town to death, so now he’s on the lam, I guess? And we’re best friends. Also, my other best friend is Carey, the dragonborn? She’s a rogue--”

“Yeah, I heard your fuckin’ sleepover last week. Taako forgot to cast Silence, and I didn’t have the arcane energy to do it myself. If I ever hear another word from you about fang-eating-out-mechanics, I will kill you. Actually, literally.”

“I was married to a tiefling, and she’s marrying an orc! It’s an experience worth bonding over! Also--uh--”

“Ah--I will _kill you_.”

Lup goes big with Magnus’ hands when she’s talking, tends to accentuate random words in the middle of a sentence. She’s got that same Elvish lilt to her tone that Taako does, so he’s assuming that she’s a sun elf. Maybe she’s just absorbed a lot of Taako’s vibes, though, what with him being her constant companion or whatever for the last year.

“Something like that,” she says, “I’m not reading your mind intentionally. It’s just. Sort of part of the deal.”

“I don’t care too much. I don’t have shit to hide.”

He really doesn’t, is the thing. He’s not a liar. If somebody asks him a question, he’ll give ‘em the nicest possible version of the truth. And Lup is--he doesn’t know why, but he trusts Lup. She reminds him of--someone. Taako, a little bit, but not entirely. And Carey.

They talk--small talk. Lup talks about being dead, about being trapped, and Magnus talks about things that happened in the eleven years she missed--dancing around his own traumas, dancing around mentioning the Red Robes or anything of the like.

She mentions her family:

“Lucretia and I were sort of--we were close. There were seven of us. My twin brother, our--weird, adopted brother, who was just--he was a huge dorkus, trust me. Eugh. I love him, but. What a loser. And then my nerd-ass boyfriend. And our--father figures? Uncle figures? I don’t know. But it was good. The time we spent together was--terrifying, we were in a terrible situation, but they’re the--the best people I’ve ever met.”

“So I should trust Lucretia, then? Because--I don’t know. The--I feel like she’s keeping something from us. Something _huge_ , and--”

“She is. But you should trust her.”

She says, in his mind, _think of your family._

His assorted foster parents never kept him around for too long, after his grandpa died. He went through a shit-ton of houses in his teenage years--but he’s from Raven’s Roost--but he lived in a shit-ton of houses--but. He stops thinking about that, and decides to think about adulthood. So his only _real_ family, in his adult life, was Julia and Steven, and now Taako and Merle and Angus. And Julia and Steven are dead, and Taako and Merle and Angus also work for the Bureau. He doesn’t understand the question.

 _do you trust them?_ Does he trust them?

“Wholeheartedly,” says Magnus.

“That’s how I trust Lucretia. Wholeheartedly. And she’ll keep things from you, like Taako and Merle do, but--I trust her. I do.”

And she sighs.

“I like this nail color.”

“Thought it’d look nice.”

“Red suits you, babe. Gotta own it.”

And the earth starts to shake.

And Magnus is falling. And Lup is falling. And Magnus and Lup are falling.

And then, he wakes up. And then, she wakes up. And then, they wake up.

Taako and Merle are looking at him like he has two heads, like there’s something wrong with him. He assumes it’s Lup’s ghost, or something, behind him, only visible to mage eyes or some shit. But--

But Lup says, quietly, in the corner of his mind, _i thought i’d end up back in the umbrella._

And, well, shit.

Lup makes him go with Taako to get diamonds--she’s attached to him, which is fair. Sole companion, and all that. And Lup _really_ likes Ren--keeps thinking, _if i were in my fleshbod, i would have totally seduced her by now,_ which, gross, please don’t use Magnus’ brain to think about seducing this very nice woman that he and Taako are already stealing money from.

Ren remarks again on finding Magnus familiar--she likes him just fine (he’s Rustically Hospitable!), but not as much as she likes Taako--and she’s never ordered shit from Raven’s Roost. She says it must’ve been in a newspaper or something. Or he just has one of those faces. Which he doesn’t, because Angus and Carey told him that being a 230 pound man with multiple facial scars makes you very easily distinguished from others, and, professionally, Carey hides and Angus seeks, so. He trusts them over this woman he’s just met, he thinks?

But Magnus tries not to focus on that. Instead, he’s focused on getting these dang prophecies. Lup helps him con an extra ten diamonds off of one of the rowdy boys. And he asks for a big prophecy, after Taako’s two.

Paloma is awesome, Magnus thinks. That’s his overall opinion of her. He bites down on his third scone, and suddenly, she becomes a little less awesome.

**PROTECTOR, PHOENIX, YOU ARE CREATURES SUSTAINED BY BONDS. MORE THAN YOUR COMRADES, YOU MUST FIGHT TO SUSTAIN, TO FORGE AND REFORGE. YOU ARE THE ONES TO HEAL THEM. YOU ARE THE ONES TO PROTECT THEM. YOU ARE THE ONES TO STAY ALIVE FOR THEM.**

Paloma pours herself another cup of tea, mildly.

“What,” says Taako, mid-scone, “The fuck.”

“I have… no idea,” Magnus says, but Lup shakes her head (their head? His head? The pronouns of this situation confuse Magnus, but he supposes its her head if she’s using it).

“You want another prophecy?” Paloma asks, tilts her head.

“I think we’re good out here,” offers Taako.

“Wonderful! Glad to be of service. Now get the fuck out of my house.”

Magnus and Taako each smuggle a couple extra scones into their pockets, and Lup compels Magnus to steal another five.

 _i haven’t eaten in eleven years. fuck you._ Magnus is not judging her, and probably, were he a rude boy, have stolen them anyway.

“Thanks for using those rogue skills, Mags,” says Taako, re: scones, “You have any clue about what the fuck any of the shit she said meant? I mean, other than the obvious temple one.”

“Mine seemed more like it was in endgame territory. Yours seemed like soon territory? So. Hm.”

“Yeah, but, uh… Protector Phoenix? Is that, like, your stage name, or…?”

“I really have no fuckin’ clue,” he says, because he doesn’t, “You wanna head to the temple?”

 _istus is chill as hell_ , Lup says.

Lup is a lich, which seems like something Istus would find unchill as hell.

Merle looks at him, once they meet up back in town, “You okay, Maggie? Givin’ off weird vibes.”

“Fine,” say both he and Lup, which comes out to an in-between voice that is neither of theirs, “Just. I’m real spiritual,” says Magnus, and then, “All into gods and shit!” Lup adds.

Taako stage-whispers, “I’m assumin’ his time alone was about as weird as our time together, I mean. That shit’s hazy? But I remember it being weird.”

“All I know is I saw mushrooms,” Merle says.

“Yeah, that was really, uh. Bad. For me. I couldn’t move, so I just kinda. Broke shit?”

“Nice.”

“Not Steven, though,” and he parts the orb, swears a few more bubbles than normal show in the water.

Lup doesn’t really do much over the next few cycles, not until Istus shows herself and squints at Magnus (them? him?). She adds an extra stitch to a row, making whatever she’s knitting a little bit uneven. The stitch--individually--turns red.

Huh.

“Magnus,” she says, once their meeting seems to be wrapping up, a lance in his hand, “You’re the only one of your group previously uncommitted in some form--we should speak, quickly. Privately.

And Taako and Merle desaturate, pause.

“Lup,” says Istus, “I don’t have a gift for you, but I do have to ask--how did _this_ \--I mean--I have _no idea_ how this happened.”

“Broke an umbrella,” Magnus says, which Lup follows with, “And I possessed him consensually because my true form would be vastly upsetting.”

“I mean, I suppose. But--the two of you must be cautious. Which, I know, is a big ask, considering both of your. Adrenaline addictions? Yes, that’s a good phrase. I think? But do it for each other’s sakes. If you were to separate, say, on the moon, there would be hell to pay.”

“Lich wards?”

“Lich wards.”

And it unfreezes.

The rest, Magnus feels, is a blur, Lup carrying his death-hazy body toward Isaak, who--look, Magnus hates.

And then Isaak pulls a wand on Taako, and Magnus feels his arms surge with an energy he’s not familiar with, until he draws his own weapon, after which it calms down. Lup, he thinks. Defensive. Risk-taker. Mage. (Lich tells him she’s a necromancer, energy tells him evocator. He’s not sure).

They stare each other down, a few moments, he and Isaak, waiting for the other to move. And it calms, with a heavy talking-too and the pop of a bubble. And then:

Magnus is in a white space with June. He is watching his own childhood, but something is off--the sky’s the wrong color, but. That’s just because it was sunset, probably. And there are details missing, things he just forgot.

“You got a better memory than your friends, I suppose.”

He sees the voidfish, long into a mass of half-static blurs (beaches and hookups and robots and things he must have only dreamt. He sees the voidfish, small and holding a wooden duck. He does not know what this means.

He wants to ask Lup if these are her memories. And she whispers, _some of them._

Eventually the static in his mind wins over the images, and he just--tunes out. And then, he’s in Raven’s Roost. Eleven years ago. He meets Julia. He _falls_ for Julia, head over, and he gets a job. And he carries a revolution with her, and he fights, and he wins, and he--and he shows fucking mercy.

And June slows a little at his wedding (a _jesus, dude_  invoked in his brain from Lup), and slows down more at a scene three months after that.

“This chair smells like grandmas,” she said, and he laughed.

“You like it?” he asked.

“It’s wonderful. But it smells like grandmas.” And she kissed him. “My talented boy. Gonna win big for us with your old lady chair?”

“I learned from the best.”

“Don’t try and be charming, dumbass.”

“Nope, I’m gonna get back and serenade you. Gonna multiclass, baby, get into that _bard_ shit.”

“Don’t forget that the kid’s visiting the day after you get back, eh? He’s six. Real sweet, per Leona.”

“Back when I was in the system, it felt _way_ more organized than this.”

“Well, maybe that was just ‘cuz they were grownups and you assumed they were organized.”

“I guess. You gonna water the garden when I’m gone, or do I have to get Rhea to do that charm again?”

“You’re gone for three weeks, babe. The sunflowers need _once_ a week watering. I can remember three fuckin’ days.”

“Language,” said Steven, uncommitted.

“You raised me this way, sir.”

“Yeah, Steve, you _raised_ her this way--sorry. I don’t want to be rude.”

It’s quiet, not uncomfortably, for a little bit, soft jokes and light music from the gramophone.

“You could always come with,” he says.

“And you could also always quit your job and start juggling knives, but that’s not gonna make up your livelihood.”

“I’m pretty dextrous.”

“Spaceman, you’ve juggled knives in front of me before. There’s still a big-ass scar on your nose.”

She touched it, gentle.

And she sighed. “Gonna miss you.”

“Gonna miss you too. Hold down the fort?”

“Always.”

There was a pause. A kiss.

“Hey,” she said, tone genuine in the way it only got when she knew it was important, “I love you.”

“Yeah,” he responded, “I love you, Jules.”

His body feels warm, as he weeps, in the approximate shape of a hug, but it doesn’t feel like much. It just feels numb. June talks, but Magnus doesn’t listen, just hears Lup whispering in his brain that he can’t fall for this, that she would want him to move forward. And she’s right--and she’s observant. Can read Julia from minutes of information, can read Magnus’ bad coping from a shared headspace.

But something changes, when Lup sees Phandalin, sees Barry Bluejeans and Noelle scream. She panics, curls up in Magnus’ chest like she’s about to explode, and she says, _no_ . _no!_

And she’s crying, and Magnus is crying, but he says no.

They all say no.

Magnus feels like a fucking truck has hit him, as he climbs into the cart.

Lup says, _lucretia destroyed the gauntlet, right? it’s gone_.

It’s gone. He knows it’s gone.

He goes through the mine on instincts alone, Lup a bit more perceptive than he--quicker shield movements, more flourished lance throws.

Did she know someone in Phandalin?

_yes. i saw him--scream. as he burned. my--i mentioned dorkus, earlier. my boyfriend._

Oh. Same hat, he supposes.

Everything feels blurry. He loses his arms. He panics.

And Roswell dies. Or. Not dies, but does something like dying.

And then, he’s out of the bubble. A little bit of red electricity bounces out of his shoulder, Avi is staring at him, and then--The Red Robe appears.

 _what happened to him,_ she thinks, and Magnus doesn’t know what she means, _to make him this way, did he forget somehow? she gave him a day with you, your team, and if the bonds broke, which they very well may have he might be gone forever._

“Lup,” says the Red Robe, “They don’t trust me.”

She knows him?

 _an old friend. is he okay is he okay is he okay_ ? _he’s talking to me like i’m not here; he’s lost it, oh god._

She says something in CSL, and the Red Robe stops shaking.

“Oh,” he says, “Take care.”

And he vanishes.

“What the hell is his deal?” Merle says, kind of laughing, and--

And things feel alright, for a little. Refuge rebuilds in meteor speed, changes and ages and becomes something new. And Magnus smiles. Lup drifts back. She’s nervous, she’s afraid.

Istus tells him that it’s not time for answers. June hands him a paper that demands them.

Lup says, as they step in the bubble, _you’re okay_.

Lup suggests to the boys that Magnus go to the Director to debrief. And he does, semi-willingly. Lucretia offers him some food, which he takes, cherry-flavored hard candies that taste like home. She looks at him, kindly, at the mention of the Chalice being some kind of trauma simulator.

“Do you know what… what the other boys saw?”

“I think Taako saw the poisoning? And Merle saw his arm..”

“Huh.”

“The cup said changeability was key. That I could, uh. Kill Kalen. Bring my wife back.”

“Well, Magnus, if I get any word on the... bastard, know that I’ll tell you. If I don’t kill him myself. He was cruel. He--I know very little about your town, Magnus, but. Part of my family lived there.”

“Your--family.”

“Yes. Believe it or not, I used to have a family.”

“You wouldn’t think so, with the--the portrait. And the lack of personal knick knacks.”

She laughs,”I try to avoid divulging too much of myself, Magnus. I hope you understand.”

“Uh. I actually had a kinda--spooky encounter with a woman who claimed to know you. This ghost, just--showed up. Only lasted a few minutes, but she said she knew you?”

The Director kind of winces, says, “Did she give you a name?”

“Lup,” says Lup, “Her name was Lup.”

The Director’s eyes go wide. She inhales.

 _she remembers me._ Lup almost makes Magnus smile, almost seizes the control.

“And--what did the ghost look like. Magnus--”

“Just a glowing red light. She seemed nice.”

He is praying that his rogue skills include Good At Lying.

The Director is smiling. She looks sad. Looks--happy, too. All at once.

“Magnus, uh. Thank you for telling me. That’s--I haven’t seen her in eleven years, and I assumed she was dead, but--if she’s still out there. I think--”

“She said you might not remember her.”

“She’s aware of the voidfish--she and I were both a part of its rescuing team.”

“Oh.” Lup doesn’t correct, just kind of. Sighs.

“I think there’s--Magnus, I--I owe you so much. You’ve fixed one of those things I would--were I to fall into the thrall of the Chalice--I would change. She’s--she’s out there.”

And the Director starts to cry.

“I’m glad to have met her,” Magnus says, and then, Lup takes over, “She just seems like a classy, no-bullshit, rough-and-tumble kinda gal! Could kick any ass. You know, if I met her back when she was alive, I think I would’ve considered her a hero. She just seemed very heroic. Would you agree?”

“I mean. Everyone kind of hero-worshipped her. She was brilliant.”

“She also seemed like an arrogant ass,” Magnus says, trying to figure out how to glare at a soul that is inhabiting your body.

“Oh, deffo, deffo, deffo.”

He places the Chalice on her desk. She touches it, and brings it to be destroyed.

(She didn’t fall into the thrall.)

(She didn’t get the _craveability._ )

(That’s a better word for it, Magnus thinks, and Lup cackles, in his brain.)

“Magnus, you can go, if you want. I understand that today’s been--the worst.”

And so he does. He walks back to the dorm, Lup not explaining anything. He wishes she’d explain it, wishes anyone would explain anything. Fights make sense. Wood makes sense. They are explicable through motion and manipulation; punch a guy and break his nose, take a log and get a duck. People usually make sense, until they start lying.

And it’s not like he doesn’t lie. He lies about not being evil, maybe, if this whole Red Robe thing is played straight. He lies to himself, in that case and others. He lies to Angus for goofs, and he lies to Taako that he doesn’t need sleep because he was raised by elves, which Taako calls bullshit on.

And, speak of the devil, there’s Taako, on the couch, arm slung around a disturbingly handsome man.

“You’re--the Grim Reaper?” he and Lup shout pretty much at once, and, _oh,_ Lup might not be safe if the Grim Reaper is--

“Magnus. Um.”

“Kravvy and I--”

“Kravitz. Taako and I are discussing your recent death spikes. We can--uh. How about--that pottery place you mentioned. Yes. Uh. Three evenings from tonight. You book it, I don’t have good service.”

He hops off of the couch, opens a portal, and jumps through.

“He’s cute,” Magnus says, stealing a chip from the bag that was previously lodged between the other men’s bodies.

“And you scared him off.”

“He asked you out.”

Taako sighs. Looks ahead.

“How’d Madame D take the--”

“Emotionally.”

“Ah.”

“You wanna get some cooking done? You, uh. Mentioned. Earlier. In the bubble.That you wanted to try again. I can sous chef.”

“Uh. Yeah. Let’s, uh. See if the kid’s still got it.”

Taako walks over to the kitchen, summons out ingredients, says, “Tell me you’re not useless at this.”

“I cooked for my family, back in the day. Baked too. My wife was--somehow, more careless than me? And I liked cooking, so.”

“Okay, so, like, what, human bullshit?”

“I make a mean chocolate cake.”

“Okay, radical, because we’re going twenty levels up from that.”

“What do you--”

“We’re makin’ a soufflé, Morko, catch up. Got a ramekin here and everything.”

“Uh. Okay? So you gotta--okay, separate the eggs for me? Three yolks, six whites. I’m gonna set some shit on fire.”

“What?”

“Melting down chocolate, and--Nope, nope, nope, start over. That’s yolk in the white bowl.”

“Yessir.” He faux-salutes.

One covert shell-extraction later (courtesy of Lup), Magnus is stirring yolks with chocolate white Taako beats egg whites into something that looks like clouds. Sugar and salt, and then--

“Hell yeah,” he says, high-fives Magnus, as it sits in the oven, “You’re almost impressive. Powdered sugar on your eyebrow.”

And Taako reaches to wipe it off, and Magnus leans in for the hug, and Magnus feels Lup take over, lets her. She has not had a friend to hold for eleven years.

Merle walks in. Says, “Smells like booj in here.”

“Booj?” Lup asks, in a decent imitation of Magnus.

“S’what the kids are saying. Means rich people.”

“You have absolutely no idea what the kids are saying,” says Taako, “This’ll serve three, if it’s good. Be done in about twenty.”

Lup carries Magnus’ body over to the couch, sits. Taako climbs on top, and Merle climbs on top of him. Magnus is used to this, the pressure of people stuck together, but Lup, it seems is not, though she accepts it with wide arms.

She thinks--the first not whispered, not said aloud comment of the night-- _even if i come back, i won’t have this again_.

Yeah, she will, Magnus thinks. If she doesn’t, her family fucking sucks.

_they don’t, they just--don’t know how to talk. none of us._

Lup says, “We should talk. All of us.”

“You sound funny, Maggie, you need any--tea, or whatever the fuck clerics do for throat shit.”

“Just the ol’, uh, Purple Worm allergies kicking in. I just--I love animals so dang much--because I’m Magnus--that I can’t avoid ‘em!”

Magnus doesn’t think the boys will buy Lup’s alibi. They’re dumb, not stupid.

“Yeah, adds up,” says Merle, “Whatcha wanna talk about, kid?”

“Uh. Just--how we’re doin’. Mentally. In the ol’ noggins.”

“Are you having a fucking stroke, Mag?” Taako is staring.

He comes back, “I’m assuming we all saw some fairly traumatic shit in Refuge, and, uh. I just--I think that we need to keep each other--”

They stay quiet, as a rule. Backstories are banned after Magnus got caught lying about his to make it sound more cohesive--he knows he’s not from Raven’s Roost, but he’s its hero. He feels like he’s from there. So he claims it--and getting needlessly involved in each others’ feelings? Hard no until naturally brought up, per the first rule of Taako’s Midnight Commandments. Magnus didn’t necessarily like that one, but it was still a commandment.

“--We need to talk about it. Because I know I’m not gonna deal with this like a healthy person. And, you two? Listen, I’m no psychologist, but y’all are fucked up too. So. Wanna go in a circle?”

 _okay, magnus, let’s go, get in there, buddy_.

He thinks that he might re-kill Lup, if possible.

“Uh, sure, why the hell not? Uh. Saw you cuttin’ off my arm, which was real fun. Saw me runnin’ out on my ex-wife and all that shit. Which I only regret ‘cuz o’ the kids, but--”

“Kids?” Magnus says, and, okay.

“Did your shock re: the obvious fact that Merle’s a deadbeat heal your sinuses? Because, if so--good job Merle, finally healing us--”

“Aw, fuck you. Yeah, I got two. Real little. Twelve--step-daughter, technically, and eight, my son.”

“Holy shit,” says Magnus.

“Yeah. And I ran away from my commune and all that shit, so--”

“Hell yeah, runaways,” Magnus fist-bumps Merle, and Taako reluctantly joins in too, as Lup throws in Magnus’ other hand. Nice.

“What’d you see, fella? Don’t bloviate.”

“Got my ass kicked as a kid for defending a dog. Foster homes and shit. And then, uh. Got my apprenticeship, led a revolution. And. You know. Meeting my wife, and, just--it was--it wasn’t easy to see, she was just--like, she deserved to survive more than I did, and I just--I didn’t save her, I didn’t save the city. And I just--ugh, it’s--she’s dead, instead of me, and it fuckin’--”

“Magnus, Jeezy-fucking-Creezy,” says Taako, “That’s not what fucking hero-ing or  lionheart-ing or whatever the fuck you call what you do _is_ , that’s suicidality.”

“It should’ve been me.”

“No, it should’ve been neither of you. Dumbass oaf of a man, fuck you. I saw that something I blamed myself for for five years was actually not my fault at all, and, yeah, people died, but you don’t see me--I’m not talkin’ ‘bout how I should’ve died instead. Cuz those people? They’re dead, but I can fuckin’--avenge ‘em. Live for ‘em. Whatever other valiant bullshit you believe in.”

Magnus starts crying.

There’s quiet, for a little while, awkward tension. The oven timer goes off. Merle gets it. Three plastic sporks.

Taako insists on the first bite, which, considering his whole rant about Magnus being suicidal, which he super isn’t, _you super are and it’s fucking upsetting_ , is maybe a hypocritical move.

But when he tastes it, Magnus melts. He’s only had Taako’s cooking twice before--once from the show, a bisque that had made him so happy that Julia made fun of it for the three years after, and then the macarons at Candlenights, and. Goddamn, if he could only eat one person’s food for a lifetime, it would be Taako’s.

And Lup chuckles. Endeared.

“Sorry for--bummin’ out the room.”

“Sorry for--yelling. Or whatever.”

“This is really good,” Magnus says, and Merle hums.

“Yeah, well. S’cuz I’m fuckin’ good.”

“You also had a very talented sous chef.”

“You fucked up the eggs _twice_.”

“Practice makes perfect.”

They fall asleep spread around the vestibule, Magnus half on the couch, Taako on top of it, and Merle on the coffee table. Lup doesn’t sleep, which is--weird. Magnus is having vivid dreams of the world around him as it is, of Lup’s thoughts and emotions. It’s a much stronger connection to her than he has when he’s awake.

She feels alone. She feels like she has to watch her words before she does anything around him, she feels, she feels, she feels. She wants to light something on fire. She wants to tell him how that parchment makes sense. How she wanted him to bring it up, after the soufflé. But she can’t tell him. And he wants her to tell him.

So he wakes up. And he decides, the voidfish hides truths.

The voidfish relishes in seeing him, sings a little bit, trills and hums and gestures, and Magnus can’t help but Smile. And, Lup takes over, hums a couple of notes, and it hums. Less loud, less affectionately, but--still with care in its tone.

Magnus starts to climb. He climbs, and he climbs, and he dives under, and Lup casts Water Breathing.

Magnus cannot do magic. He was told as much in school, halfway through the first day of a divination elective he’d taken so as to get a math credit. It was a defect, and, of course, there are plenty of fighters and rogues and barbarians, everyone at least knows a few cantrips.  
But he doesn’t. Which is cool! He’s fine with that. He knows his worth.

(Carey can’t do magic. Killian can’t do magic. He assumes that they’re exaggerating.)

But Lup, somehow, defies his defect. _different brains_ , she says, _yours is all fleshy and mine’s all ghosty._

He says to the voidfish, “Hello!” and it twirls. He’s still got a shirt on, per Lup’s request, and it’s heavy. But he feels comfortable nevertheless. He’s not sure why.

“Do you have a name? Flash once for--”

_their name is fisher._

“Fisher? That’s a good name, kinda silly. But it works for you. It suits you.”

It hums. Snuggles a tiny segment of its jelly-cap against Magnus’ arm, like a dog that doesn’t know that it’s thirty feet tall.

“Uh. Do you know me? Flash, uh. Once for yes, twice for no.”

It flashes once. But that could mean anything. Recognition.

“Can you tell me--where you first met me?”

Twice for no.

“Can you show me?”

It gives a flash and a half. Maybe.

And it touches his hand.

And he’s in a cave. Home. Crystals and cold and other jellyfish and music and ducks. And home.  And it’s not as bright as it should be, maybe, but there’s a blurry figure in red before him, and it’s handing him a duck. His brain supplies, _friendly_.

“Was that me?”

No response.

“Was that--your home?”

Yes.

“Do you have a home anymore?”

No.

“Neither do I. Did the people in red destroy your home?”

No.

“Did they kidnap you?”

No.

“Are you okay?”

No answer.

And so on.

“Can I trust Lup?” he says, and he feels his body warming up, and the Voidfish flashes once, twirls, and--

And an alarm rings. Magnus runs.

_you’re a dumbass. magnus. you’re a dumbass. i thought you were just gonna go on a run, but--magnus? magnus, you are a dumb. ass._

“How do you know its name?”

_talking to yourself? my family took care of them when their home was lost. lucretia told you that earlier, babe, she wasn’t lying._

They’re beautiful, Magnus thinks. They shouldn’t be alone. They shouldn’t be.

He walks back into the apartment to Taako, awake again, and Merle, also awake, steeping some nasty-smelling tea.

“You good?”

“Took a run.”

“Underwater?”

“Uh.”

“I ain’t judging, I don’t know that Carey and Killian got in their secret lesbians-and-also-Magnus-only jock sanctum. Just--chill. None of us are sleepin’.”

“I mean, it’s not just me and a bunch of lesbians, sometimes Davenport and Avi are there.”

Taako’s eyes widen, “Davenport works out?”

“Lifts with his lil’ tail.”

“ _Shit_ , that’s good. Good on him, y’know?”

“Yeah, it’s nice. Do you guys want to group bond?”

“Is this fucking--summer camp.”

“No. It’s us acknowledging each others’ complicated histories as things that define us and our relationship with each other, and also teaching Merle how to clip his fuckin’ nails.”

“It adds to the crunch,” Merle says.

“It adds to the sharpness of hugs. And, I learned how to paint little flowers and shit because Carey wanted some on a thing I was carving for her, so. It’s really good. I’m getting good at painted detail work. And I can do, like. Little daisies or sunflowers or whatever for you--”

“I’m down,” says Taako. Magnus thought he’d need more convincing, “Might as well. I mean--better than going around and discussing our trauma without anything to distract us.”

_can i--try and be. a little more comfortable, in here? we’re together for the long haul, and i don’t--like, i know that you’re trans, too, but--i wanna look great? like, all the time, and i do, because i have a fucking insanely cool soul, but. y’know._

He can’t get rid of the beard. Took a potion from a T.A. one time that made it stick around. Which, look, Magnus isn’t gonna complain about, but that’ll be weird for Lup, probably.

 _i mean, you can keep that, i was just thinking, like. a haircut. some color palette switching. nothing dramatic. maybe some makeup, but that’s not necessary. uh. i don’t know, i wanna make this as comfortable for both of us as possible. and hey, i also took a transition potion from a night school t.a.! not_ my _night school t.a., my brother, but, hey, same hat._

Same hat. And Magnus has tried makeup recently (at Carey’s suggestion--a lot going on on his face can actually _help_ with stealth, if there’s too much.)

“Taako, can you fuck with my hair a little bit? Ango told me you gave him that lil’ fade, so--”

“If I do that, you gotta dye mine. Merle, any hair requests, delegate to Magnus. This is self-care night.”

“Self-care morning, more like,” Merle says, takes a sip of his stink tea.

“It’s three. Not too morning-y.”

"When does the transfer happen, Maggie? When?”

“At, like, _five_ , Merle--sunrise.”

“We don’t get sunrise here. When does mornin’ start on the _moon_ \--”

“You’re the fuckin’ nature cleric!”

“Time isn’t nature, that’s divination, holmes--that’s Istus’ realm. So we’re more equipped to answer than him.”

“Fuck. Forgot we did that.”

Things go slowly, the way things are wont to during those late night-early morning liminals. Magnus goes for a brighter red on his nails than usual, fading into a yellow. Taako opts for his standard black, and Merle for a faded green with some carefully painted passion flowers. (Magnus is very proud of his handiwork, there).

And then, after some drinks and impromptu karaoke, with songs they remember from growing up--Magnus and Taako do a _killer_ “One Week,” and Lup pushes Magnus’ vocal capabilities to the limit with her Fantasy-CRJ-Improvised-Medley. And Merle with a surprisingly heartfelt rendition of “Goodbye Earl” steals the show--Lup takes over. Says, “Hair time.”

“Mm?”

She says, “Wanna shave the, uh. RIght side.”

“Look like some shitty fake-punk hipster?”

“It’ll look _really_ rock’n’roll, c’mon--”

“I’m not gonna stop you, it just seems… dramatic?”

“I want dramatic.”

“You’re drunk and you’ve cried like, eight times tonight.”

“Yes, and I want dramatic, and--listen: Taako? Taako, I wanna do this.”

“I mean, sure, fine, whatever, your fuckin’ funeral if you hate this.”

Magnus takes back over, for the most part--there’s a blurred point, where they’re both there, and they’re on the edge of that. But there’s something relieving about feeling weight lifted from his right side, something calming. Save for a few brief attempts at dye and trims, he hasn’t done much to his hair in--well. Since Julia died. And this look Lup’s going for is absolutely not _Magnus Burnsides, folk hero_ , but it is something he likes. And it’s something Lup likes too, that warm feeling in his chest tells him. He has to wrap his scarf around it an extra time for protection, which, cool. Interesting.

Taako takes his hair dark, covering up bleach that’s been there for years now. Has Magnus cut it into something a little cleaner.

“I got a date. And a soft reboot.”

Merle just opts for some cleanup of his beard, which is to say, letting Taako cut out the dead flowers and replace them with new ones. He doesn’t trust Magnus floral sensibilities, nor does he trust Taako’s, but of the two of them, one of them does know his way around a garden better.

They don’t sleep, that night. Magnus is glad for it. Lup rests, though, dreams and dreams and dreams about farms and caravans and fistfights and science and magic and love, love, love.

He goes out to breakfast with Taako, Merle opting to stay in the room for some private time, which is universally agreed upon as “Gross.” Angus is perched up at their usual table already, drinking a black coffee.

“Stunts growth,” says Magnus, shakes his head. It feels light, “Gotta stop you on that.”

“You drink coffee.”

“Yes. I’m also an adult.”

“When did you start drinking coffee, sir?”

“That’s none of your business.”

Angus sips, demurely, “So, how was the quest to retrieve the Temporal Chalice and observe all of the potential terrors of the past, present, and future?”

Somehow, the kid has a way of making every sentence end with an interrobang and a smile.

“Went pretty piss-poor, Ag,” says Taako, mouth half-full of some fruit-cream concoction that Magnus would’ve taken had he remembered to take his dairy pill.

“Yeah,” says Lup, through Magnus, “I think we’ve all seen better days.”

“Your voice sounds weird, sir.”

“Uh,” Magnus comes back, “Just--early mornin’, you know. That’s me. Good ol’ Magnus No Character Voice Burnsides.”

“You have a fairly distinctive voice, sir!”

“I mean,” says Taako, rolls his eyes, dismisses it, “How was your day manning the cannons, kid?”

“Absolutely terrifying! I definitely do _not_ envy Mr. Avi.”

“Any cool goss on the other Bureau members?” and Magnus isn’t even sure if that’s him or Lup, “Just some boiling hot goss?”

“Uh. Miss Carey and Miss Killian went on a date in Neverwinter? And they’re spending the night. I think Miss Carey is going to propose? She showed me the ring you made, sir, it was beautiful. French toast stick?”

It’s drenched in syrup. Magnus takes it, no hands, only mouth. Taako glares at him. Lup, internally, glares at him.

_french toast has dairy, dumbass. and this shit? it’s bad. it’s rank. sir? here to deliver the news that you are putting me into sensory hell._

He laughs, despite himself, and Taako pushes him.

“Ango, hit me with another, I wanna piss ‘em off.”

“I took the last three,” Angus looks down, and then eats one of the remaining two in one bite.

“Traitors. Both of you traitors to fine dining. Homemade or bust, none of that Fantasy Costco bullshit--”

“You both cut your hair,” Angus says.

“Time for a change,” says Magnus, Just as Taako says, “Felt like it.”

Lup seems to like Angus, which, considering Angus’ previous recountings of his encounters with the Umbra Staff, seems odd.

 _i didn’t want to burn his cookies! i needed them to know that i was in there_ she says, absentmindedly tying up Magnus’ hair. But Lup likes Angus, which is good, because, as much as Magnus may joke, everybody should like Angus. Breakfast goes slow. Merle doesn’t join them--he’s off on one of his weird solo quests. Which Magnus assumes are to visit his kids, now, rather than what he previously assumed. This is a very positive thing. Avi joins, eventually, and he’s nice. He’s always nice. He compliments Magnus’ new look, says that he hopes things are at least the slightest bit better than yesterday.

Lup, of course, immediately starts teasing Magnus about Avi.

 _he likes you_ . This isn’t relevant to his life right now. _but he’s into you, dude._ He doesn’t do romance, and he’s more into this whole Red Robe Adjacent thing right now than ruining a good friendship with his intimacy issues. _the red robe thing is en-bee-dee, i promise. lucretia’ll dismiss it if you bring it up._ How would she know? _i have experience with lucretia. she knows plenty about the red robes. she knows you’re not a dark wizard, or whatever. you can’t even do magic! you have a perfect alibi._

But he saw static in the Chalice.

_i don’t know how to explain that one._

But—regardless, he can’t do a relationship right now. _respect._ It’s not fair to Avi, and it’s not fair to Julia.

He is a pretty chill dude, though.

Magnus goes through his days like they’re normal—takes a shower (hot, compared to his preferred cold) after getting back from breakfast, gets some carving done (a duck), and does some basic calisthenics. Lup tells him about her family, does some cantrips to impress him. The next few days are just like that; routine. Merle kicks his ass at chess (he used to be decent at it, could beat Julia in a few moves. Or maybe, Merle’s good at it, but, hey, what are the odds?). Taako starts letting him help with food (though Lup is better). Angus questions him about a missing clipboard (the culprit being moon gravity). Carey and Killian arrive back, Killian with a wooden ring around her finger (he got the size right). He trains. He laughs. He tries not to think about that fucking statue.

Lup always tells him it’s nothing. He swims with the voidfish, and they don’t tell him it’s nothing. (They also don’t tell him it’s _something,_ but Magnus Burnsides is nothing if not moral, and he’s kind of in crisis re: his morality, so confirmation bias is setting in hard.)

He does spy on Taako’s date. Takes Avi with him. It looks like it’s going well, but Lup seems—nervous. On edge. It’s because she’s a lich, Magnus reasons, and she does not correct him. He’s distracted from the thought by Avi taking his hand. Despite himself, he takes it back.

Two weeks after Lup started possessing Magnus, Lucretia walks into the Tres Horny Vestibule (“It doesn’t even _flow_ ,” Taako had complained, but Magnus liked it and Merle had coined it. Lup liked it ironically, so he thinks that counts as a yes vote). She’s in something that Magnus assumes is what she considers civvies—expensive looking harem pants, a comfortable looking shirt, and a sweater, large glasses over her eyes. She looks younger. His age, almost. She’s got that fey-ish thing about her, that strange agelessness that Magnus has only otherwise seen in elves. He’s never seen her out of uniform, is the thing, which is why he finds it so disorienting.

 _what happened to her,_ Lup does not question.

“Magnus, I need to—talk. One on one. Friend to friend, not employer to employee, and,” she pauses, “Are you busy?”

He rolls up the sketch on the table that he’s been staring at for the last hour even tighter.

“Nah.”

“Okay. Wonderful. The other week, you told me that you had met an old friend of mine, in a more… spectral, less-alive form than one would expect of an old friend.”

“Yeah,” he says, and Lup starts to panic.

“Was she—Magnus, did—“

“Director, I really can’t help you, here.”

“I just want to see her again. I—I thought I could do this alone, but that was… proven wrong so long ago, and—I hurt my whole family; the least I can do before I show myself to them is to—to find her, and bring her back.”

“Necromancing?” Magnus says, “Seems a bit below you.”

“I’ve had to do a lot to survive, Magnus.”

 _and she has_ , says Lup.

And Magnus reaches out, and he hugs her. He’s not sure why, but he knows it was his choice, not Lup’s.

“You’re very warm,” she says.

_show her the paper._

He can’t do that. He can’t.

Instead, the Director pulls out a piece of paper. A photograph--he hasn’t seen a photograph in _years_ , for whatever reason.

“I found this. For you. I know that our conversation, after you retrieved the Chalice, that it turned--turned into a Lucretia Is Sad party, but--you re-lived something terrible, Magnus. And I felt I owed you something, for that.”

It’s his wedding day, a little blurry, in full color. An angle he’s never seen before. Himself, hair tied up and back with rue flowers, dark, ornate tunic a little loose in the wind, and then _her_ , and she’s--stunning. Julia in a dark gown, looking so, so beautiful. And Magnus is--crying.

“How did you--?”  
  
“I was a journalist, once,” she says. She is not lying.

“Thank you.”

“It was a beautiful day. You deserved. More than you were given.”

“She did, yeah.”

“You did, too.”

The Director leaves, without a goodbye, without another word. Magnus picks up his carving knife, decides not to look at the paper.

“If you showed her,” says Lup, aloud, “She wouldn’t judge you. She knows your past. Knows you can’t do magic. And she said the Red Robes were dark wizards, which--untrue, but.”

“You knew the Red Robe, back in Refuge.”

“I did, yeah.”

“Did you and Lucretia’s party--encounter them?”

“Encounter’s a fun verb for it, yeah. They weren’t always--y’know. Making weapons of hellish destruction. They weren’t always killing thousands. And Magnus, even if you were one of them, you didn’t kill thousands. I know that much.”

“But I allowed it--”  
  
“Everyone allowed it. God, Lucretia and I allowed it until it was too late. Fuck.”

Time goes by. Lup ensures that she spends a lot of time near Taako, which Magnus doesn’t mind. He dances around Avi, not quite sure how to handle the conversations about his issues this’ll require if this becomes a _this._ Carey teaches him (at Lup’s request) some light-speed sleight-of-hand stuff. Lucretia returns from whatever fruitless journey she’d just been on with a scar on her cheek and a colder personality. She pushes Magnus and the boys harder than ever. Lup has to hold herself back from using magic-- _these are traps built for an evocater to break, right, and she knows the boys are more transmutation and conjuration based, so she’s--she’s not playing fair_ \--but Magnus manages to break through traps himself, thanks.

Magnus figures out the voidfish’s song, halfway through a jam sesh with Johann. He thinks about the Red Robe situation, and he thinks about static. He _almost_ manages to sneak a beagle onto the moon. He makes fun of Kravitz, which Lup _loves_ , and he makes fun of Taako, which Lup loves even more. He teaches Angus how to punch, how to fight.

Three months into he and Lup’s new existence, he, Taako, and Merle are called into Lucretia’s office. And Lup’s question--recurring, almost constant--is finally answered. Lucretia lost twenty years of her life, aged in a millisecond. Magnus understands why she’d give that up. Lup doesn’t. _human life is fragile. she was only twenty, twenty-one when this must’ve happened. she was reckless, yeah, but. not that reckless. this was intentional._

So Lup says, “You know, twenty years is kinda a long time for us humans, right?”

“Yes, and--”

“And this painting, you’re, what, twenty-one? In it?”

“Yes, Magnus, I was twenty-two. I thought it unimportant, until, well--until it happened. Twenty years didn’t seem so long.”

“Luke,” Lup says, intentional in the way she wraps Magnus’ voice around the syllable, and the Director winces, “You can’t do that to yourself.”

“Mags,” the Director says, equally intentional, and Magnus is brutally uncomfortable. She smirks, “I’d prefer not to be reminded of my greatest mistakes.”

“You two look like you’re about to kill each other,” says Merle, “Let’s, uh, calm down, a moment, maybe.”

“No, no,” says Taako, “I wanna see where this goes.”

“We need to talk,” says Lup.

“Magnus, is this about my spectral friend?”  
  
“Oh, maybe. I dunno.” Lup places Magnus’ right hand on the desk. It burns, about to catch flame. Magnus pushes himself back, “I mean, if that’s okay with you. If you wanna talk. And it’d have to be alone, because--”

“I got shit to do,” says Taako, who, in spite of interest, has grown maybe a little intimidated. “Merle, come with.”

“Uh. Yeah. Good luck, kid, uh--”

The boys exit. And Magnus sighs.

“I don’t know what that was about, ma’am, I’m sorry.”

She ignores him.

“Magnus, when I was off base, I didn’t find Lup. I did, however, run into one of the Red Robes. And, well. I was told the two of you had communicated.”

“Well, he showed himself to all three of us.”

“He mentioned you, specifically.”

“Director, I genuinely have--no idea, why.”

“He said you gave him a signal.”

“I--what?”

The Director makes a complicated gesture with her left hand.

“It’s modified sign language. A vernacular I’m familiar with from my interactions with the Red Robes. And it means, well, _I remember you_. So, Magnus? I have to ask: what do you remember?”

Lup seizes his hand. Takes the paper, folded neatly in his pocket. And she places it into the Director’s hand.

Magnus doesn’t think he trusts Lup, anymore.

She doesn’t respond, but she stands, and she walks out of the room. And Lucretia stares as she does. As they do. As he does.

And he runs, meets up with Taako and Merle.”

“We have to leave, right now, immediately. Get to the Felicity Wilds. Get the Bell, I think--I think something bad happened, and--”

“Magnus rushes out, cool, uh--”

“Hop on. Merle--uh. Ball up?”

He piggybacks Taako, takes Merle under the arm Lup still doesn’t have hold of, and he runs, right to Avi.

“Hey, Magnus, uh, been a--”

“I can’t talk right now, I’m sorry, I just--Felicity Wilds.”

“Yeah, uh. Okay. Cool.”

Avi launches them and Magnus freaks the fuck out.

“Are you, like, _good_ \--?”

“No, no, the Director, uh--learned a fact about me that I don’t even know, and--uh, boys, I don’t know how to handle this situation at _all_.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Maggie?”

“So, you know how, uh, June gave me a parcel, and, uh, I didn’t let you guys steal it and you thought I was just hoarding extra gold?”

“What the fuck did you buy.”

“It wasn’t gold. It was a drawing, right? Of the statue, the red robed statue. And, guys? In the original draft, his face wasn’t covered?”

“And who was he?”

“Bet it was Davenport. That’d be fun, Davenport’s our damn final boss,” Taako laughs.

“He was--boys. Fellas. He was me.”

“Say again?”

“I was a Red Robe.”

“That doesn’t make sense, though.”

“I know it doesn’t. But--the Director knows, now, and I don’t know how to explain it, and--”

And Lup lunges forward, brakes the cannonball. They land well, right next to a large tent.

“You’ve been holding dark magic out on us the _whole time_ ?”

“I can’t do magic! Like, physically, I can’t, we've talked about this.”

“Yeah,” says Taako, “Uh.”

“You kinda dropped a bomb there, buddy.” Merle’s mouth is squinched up in the way that it always gets when he doesn’t know what to say.

“I have no idea what it means. I don’t remember being a Red Robe. I don’t, and I don’t understand when it would’ve happened, but. It’s on paper.”

“He’s not lyin’,” says Merle, “Why’d you tell the Director, then?”

“Impulse.”

“He’s lyin’ there,” Taako flips the Umbra Staff around in his hands. Magnus wishes he hadn’t broken that thing.

“Because I had to,” and that’s the truth, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

“This why you chopped your hair off and started acting weird?”

“Nah.”

“Okay. Okay, uh. So, I think the plan here is, is--we try for the Bell, which, based upon the kinda gauche tent, is in this piece’a’shit, and we get answers _after_.”

Magnus likes that plan. he rushes in.

“We need to strategize, dumbass!” Taako yells, but Merle’s already dragging him in, and then--

Elves. Twins. Dramatic as all get out.

These are Lup’s people, Magnus thinks, and Taako claps.

 _they’re not my people_ . She’s been silent since--that whole thing. _they hurt her. they’re gonna hurt you. they’re not my fucking people._

Magnus loses a pinkie. Merle, his darkvision. Taako gets some bad luck. And they’re off. And they’re off. And they’re fighting monsters, and Taako is crushed by a machine, and--and Lup takes over, and by the time Magnus is aware again, they’re in the next room.

“What the _fuck_ was that,” says Taako, “I--you multiclassin’ in Barbarian too, Mags? Because that was--looked like you were fuckin’ possessed, m’man.”

“I was just--that was. Huh,” he says, “Dunno. Didn’t like seeing you guys get hurt.”

_if they hurt them, i can destroy them; i will destroy them._

“We need a word to use, before we do dumb shit like that, okay?” says Merle.

“Sauté,” say Taako and Lup immediately. Magnus likes it. He’s not sure how Lup knew it, but he likes it.

“I can’t heal y’all, so you gotta keep your fuckin’ heads on.”

“You can’--?”

And the wheel. Merle loses an eye.

And Magnus rolls clock.

 _you_ just _told lucretia that this was dumb. take the penalty._

“Penalty.”

He rolls backpack, loses Phantom Fist, rolls mind, loses the memory of his bio parents--which, good riddance, he guesses, because they hated each other and his grandpa was--fuck. He got through the round, right?

Taako loses some vitality. This stresses Lup out, but Magnus can’t focus on that, because someone is writing to him in thieves’ cant.

silence, confirm. confirm. secret, confirm. one room, magic room, transformation, confirm. confirm. wait for a signal, confirm. confirm.

 _he’s okay_ , thinks Lup, and Magnus can’t help but smile at the relief in her tone.

And Merle has to roll again because apparently, they picked up a disembodied head while Magnus was out. Merle loses some shit--his wedding ring, his wrench, and, apparently, his ability to use a battleaxe. 

It’s apparently time for a dating game.

_you want me to take over, bud?_

Please, he thinks.

“What is your _ideal_ first date?”

“Well,” Lup croons, “I’d take them to a club--this is obviously a front for a dangerous mission where we fight some hidden evil. I mean, duh. But we dance, until it turns out that the club’s owner is some eldritch demon, and some shit gets caught on fire, and then, uh. We make-out. See what happens after.” And she winks. Magnus is not very good at winking. Lup, who, presumably, was very good at winking, is clearly upset at the failure of the action.

Lup is much better at this whole _staying positive thing_ than Magnus is.

“You and our contestant are on a date, and one of your fans recognizes you on the street. How do you respond to that situation?”

“Well, I’d, like--well, my partner comes first, duh, but, well, we have to impress the fans too! So I’d have my date get in, maybe give ‘em some hot goss on the relationship. You know, this fella I used to date, he and I kinda had--fans for a little… work we’d done, and, trust me, fans love your relationship.”

“What makes a hero?”

And, see, that’s when things go to shit. Magnus’ vision goes all weird, blurs.

 _true seeing_ , Lup says, _taako cast it,_ _he just made the gesture._

In front of him, there are mannequins. There are two liches. And ahead of him, there’s a red robe, brushing negative energy away, and then--

He looks at his own hands, and there’s something floating a fraction of an inch away from them--

A bright, red robe, with hands that look like they’re made of thin, thin lines of flame, and Magnus is about to burst out, scream, but that would mean--

Which would mean Lucretia was a Red Robe. And that hurts his head.

 _you’re not wrong. but--listen, magnus, it’s more nuanced than you could imagine_.

He breathes. Exhales.

And he lets Lup take over, if only for the sake of getting through this.

She uses the bonus round to heal Taako. Gives him more of Magnus’ vitality than Magnus would have liked, but. Fine. Sure.

She asks him, first, and he loses memories of… somebody. She discourages Taako from losing his beauty, which Magnus gets, but Taako has a solution that makes Magnus beam. And Merle--Merle takes the penalty, and Magnus lets himself take over again, spins, and spins, and spins. Loses some more vitality. Loses some advantage he’ll have later. Gets some bad luck.

Bad Luck.

There’s a fight. Magnus retreats again, but starts resurfacing as shit heats up. But the Purple Worm is where shit _genuinely_ heats up, because Merle yells out that magic fucking word, and Lup can’t resist, apparently.

"Sauté!"

As the others run through the door, Magnus feels that heat that’s been in his hands these last few months take over completely, and he feels something he’s never felt in his life:

The room burns. Magnus can’t see from the bright of it all, but it burns. So, this is what Lup can do. He keeps burning, he keeps firing--it's Lup's muscle memory, somehow, letting him do this--he isn't supposed to do this. He burns, and he burns, and he burns, and he _smiles_ , and she smiles, and they smile. He rolls out, follows the Red Robe, who _laughs_ , into the next room; a catwalk.

“Lup,” says the Red Robe, “Oh my _God_ , I’m such a fuckin’ idiot.”

“Yeah,” she says, “You are.”

Taako is just staring at Magnus, and Merle has taken a couple of steps back.

“Uh,” says Lup, “Tee-el-dee-are, Magnus has been maybe-kinda-possessed part time for the past few months?”

“What the _fuck_ ,” says Taako.

“So, I used to live in your staff, and back in Refuge, you guys _died_ , and Magnus broke the staff, and--”

“You were in the _staff_?” the Red Robe says.

“She was trying her best!” Magnus yells, and then says, “She possessed me? She’s really nice. And she can do magic! She’s an old friend of the Director.”

“This explains…” Taako sighs, “So fucking much, actually.”

“The staff not good enough without me?” Lup teases, and Magnus fires back “He’s trying his _best!_ ”

Merle just blinks, says, “Cool.”

There’s an encounter.

The liches give their backstories, surprised by the Red Robe’s presence, but impressed at a lich so _similar_ to themselves, bound by emotion rather than power..

“Bad luck!” says Lydia, and the bell rings, but Magnus doesn’t feel anything except for the absence of warmth. Lydia looks… confused.

“How many liches are you boys _hiding_ ?” Lydia asks, just as Lup says, “Okay, enough, I’ve been stuck incognito for _too long_ , and you fuckers have hurt my ▓▓▓▓▓▓ for too long.”

Meteors.

And Wonderland _burns_ , and Magnus, somehow, feels like he’s lost something. But he feels more like himself than he has in months. But, but, but--

Lup looks down at him, phantasmal, resplendent, all crimson and flame and power. He can't help but think, she's beautiful.

Wonderland burns, and there are five people in its remains--two dead, three alive.

“So,” says Lup, more conversational than anything about this situation should imply, “Any questions?”

**Author's Note:**

> footnotes--  
> (1) magnus places a scarf over taako and merle's eyes when they die in refuge! this is a sort of fusion of the istus connection to weaving and the jewish tradition of covering the eyes at death.  
> (2) when the boys die in refuge, they do sort of remember everything, huh. but of course, at the end of the hour, they forget. merle references the first church of fungston.  
> (3) magnus keeps his hair long for a couple of reasons, symbolically. firstly, it's because magnus likes to peacock himself. that's canon; he likes showing off! it's noted in this fic that he grew it out while he was with julia--this is to symbolize a lack of alignment w/ the local military (uniform, short, etc). and then, it's also because he's bearing weight he can't handle--lup, by taking a portion of it off, lightens the load. taako, by being the one to physically remove it, shows himself as one who can carry some of it. magnus needs to rely on his friends!  
> (4) flower symbolism, real fast: sunflowers in magnus and julia's garden--ironically, longevity! passionflowers on merle's nails--symbol of faith, even as merle is being cut off from god! rue flowers--regret, but, hey, we've all read the hunger games, here.  
> (5) food symbolism is basically just. soufflés break down easy, are right on the verge of losing themselves, but they sure are show-offy. very taako. and french toast for angus, because they're a classic train time snack! i straight up googled train breakfast food.  
> (6) taako is super bullshitting when he says that he's not suicidal. he's a liar.  
> (7) [this tumblr post](http://inkedinserendipity.tumblr.com/post/179405232266) really spoke to my disabled ass so yes i'm going to project.  
> (8) lup insists that magnus takes another level in rogue, rather than two levels in fighter. because of this, he gains the "fast hands" ability.  
> (9) this fic ends here. you can picture what happens next.
> 
> please comment! it's a huge self-esteem booster and i just finished submitting my first college apps so any self-esteem booster would be of use rn


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